Ungrateful

So far two sets of parents have contacted me. It seems to have come as a surprise to them that the Summer Program in Italy does not involve their dear children actually traveling to Italy. Hugo and I designed the whole program on the theory that he and I and our spouses would go to Italy and show the lectures and sights by video (or postcard). We would do the heavy lifting and the students would have time to study. Do they not get it?

(almost) Everything is Looking Up

Sorry, a little preoccupied but I see clear skies ahead. Luckily the faculty standards committee decided that Shannon deserved and A on her exam. So, even though I got a stern letter from Dean Bumble about relatioships with students, he decided that I had not traded sex for grades. I knew this was the case because I did not grade that set of papers at all.

The Sun says I will be relieved from further obligations after two more interviews about Senator Faceworth. I think I have two more in me but I have been forced to be very creative. Yesterday I told them that one night Manchild invited three Jennifers up to his room. He then sent me out out buy 4 cartons of whipping cream, a jar of cherries, a wisk broom and 7 rolls of Scotch tape.

I called Hugo about getting some of the details settled concerning the summer program in Rome.

One awkward thing. There is a student in my class that I ovciously cannot meet. His name is Jason and he has registered for the summer in Italy program. Today his mother called and asked about what things he should bring. I told her that the students were not actually going to Italy. She asked what the $3000 is for and I said "expenses." She seemed miffed about no students going. Isn't that just perfect!!! You try to do something for the students and you get in hot water for it.

Deep Throat and Moneylaw

The Sun is running a series of articles about Senator Faceworth's visit here and his midnight ramblings. I hate being the deep throat for their effort to sell their rag but I am in a pinch. As I mentioned, the local authorities want to interview Faceworth's host and that would be me. If I do not cooperate with the Sun they will blow the whistle on me. The problem is that I have only so much to tell. Off to the bar, back to the room and then the morning drop off. The Sun wants more and I have been making things up. I mean it's OK, right? I do not know the things I am making up did not happen.

Shannon's final exam in Professional Responsibility has been sent to a faculty review committee. They must decide if it is an A or B paper. If it is an B, they are likely to agree with her that that she did not deserve the A I gave her. This supports her claim that the A was in exchange for sexual favors. It was not. In fact, that year I did not even grade the exams. I just handed out grades randomly and, therefore, I know the A was not undeserved.

In the meantime the idiots over on Moneylaw are discussing whether what law professor write should be useful to courts. Give me a break! My parents did not spend $200,000 on my legal education so I can be an errand boy for judges. Get a life Moneylaw people!

good news/Bad News

The good: Hugo and more importantly Marvelle did show up for tennis. The were proud of their new pomeranian. Nothing was said about the apology letter. The only thing that was strange was the way they played. They lost 6-0, 6-0 in doubles but partly it was because whenever either of them got a shot at the net they seemed to aim right at my groin region. Maybe I am imagining it.

The bad. I interviewed with the Ivyville Sun as promised and I told the truth about the Jennifers and so on. Midnight rides and all that. OK but now the police are questioning the reporter about my identity. I am wanted for questioning with respect to "procuring" and possibly somekind of contributory sexual misdeed. All because of Manchild. So far the reporter is refusing to say anything.

OK, now is this wierder. I mentioned that ten years ago I had a brief affair with a student -- pre Caroline and she was my age. Now she has responded to the letter my "colleagues" circulated asking for reports on any inappropriate behavior. Well the this lady -- call her Shannon-- reported that we had had the affair. And she had petitioned to School to lower her grade from the A I gave her in Professional Responsibily to a B. She says the grade was not earned and she cannot accept it because it was payment for sexual favors. I am not making this up!!!

Rethinking Recanceling

There I go again. . . always thinking of others and doing what's best for them. Now that I have two reasons to cancel the same class my idea was just to leave things as the are and only cancel that class. Now I realize that in keeping with doing what is right for me, what I actually have done is banked some cancelations that I can use on days when I could not otherwise cancel. Thus, since I have already canceled class for the remainder of this year and next, I will begin with the fall of 2008. I only have to solve the problem of making up two years of class. I was thinking about a press conference open to all.

The Double Cancel

My school has an iron clad rule that you notify the dean's office when you miss a class and tell them when you will make it up. I follow the rule religiously when ever it is covenient. I have already canceled class for the rest this year and the next due to the obvious pressures of being Senator Faceworth's host, planning the summer program in Italy, conflict with my quiet time and anticipated head aches. Now I have had to recancel those classes because of all this trouble with Marvelle, Hugo and the reporters. I am pretty sure that double canceling means I get teaching credit for the time off, unlike the underachievers -- mainly state school people -- who only use one problem as a basis for cancellation. But this is not worst of my worries. More later but I have an appointment Dean Bumble right now.

Sensitivity Training Avoided

Caroline insisted on reading my apology letter before I sent it to Marvelle. The letter clearly passed the New York Times (never write anything down that you would not want to appear on the front page of the Times) test but Caroline's test was a bit tougher. There was a great deal of eye-rolling and sighing but ultimately she let it go out and I narrowly missed sensitivity training. Which, by the way, I greatly support for others so they may understand how the privileged are likely to percieved their thoughtless statements about rich people, spoiled people, elitists and so on. My feelings are amost hurt. Sometimes I feel like the caveman guy on TV.

I think the Marvelle issue has been put to rest. I will know when we are supposed to meet Marvelle and Hugo for tennis Saturday. I think, at the very least, I have saved the summer in Italy program which the faculty approved when I pulled out my trump cards -- the need for many guest lectures and the complete absence of students.

Tomorrow I meet with the Ivyville Sun reporter about Senator Gerard "Manchild" Faceworth's ill-fated visit.

The Art of the Apology

People like us -- special and devoted to the New York Times rule -- must be cautious with apologies. Since I have told Caroline I will apologise to Marvelle, I thought I would take this opportunity to demonstrate the proper apology. The explanations are in italics.

Dearest Marvelle:

Your misunderstanding of some of the communications that passed between us has led to an unfortunate situation. (Remember, usually the person you are apologizing to should be apologizing to you.)

I have the misfortune of being attractive to women. I do not enjoy it and have done my best to discourage these women in the kindest possible way. It is something so many of us with special qualifications must bear. Thus when we had lunch a few weeks ago, I now understand that you misunderstood my kindness for something different. (Let's keep in mind who started this.)

Given your misunderstanding in that instance, I now understand why, when you brushed against me over the Atlantic, you reacted the way you did. (Reader, by now you are getting the drift.)

Now I understand that you somehow interpreted my Valentine as something untoward.

(This is critical, pay attention.) With all possible sincerity, IF I have offended you, I am sorry. (Ok, note that the apology is not for the actual action. Thus, you take no responsibility and are in good form as far as the New York Times. In effect, it is an apology only because she acted like a bit of a nut. Isn't it great -- the conditional apology. Dean Bumble could not do better.)

Your devoted friend,

Chadsworth.

Air

As you can see from my lastest publication (see below), Caroline and I spent time this weekend "discussing" Marvelle. Marvelle had given a copy of the Valentine to Caroline, Hugo, the Law faculty and the entire student body. You know the one -- it has a really long-barrelled gun on the front and inside it says," You better think twice about being my Valentine." Caroline, Dean Bumble, Mavelle and the faculty who wrote to the students asking about my prior history of inappropriate behavior seem to agree that it is suggestive. I don't get it. Caroline says I need to write a letter of apology to Marvelle. I think it is a crazy violation of the New York Times rule. But, if I do not, she says I must get sensitivity training.

I think I am OK with Caroline and I will attempt the letter to Marvelle.

Hopefully the faculty call to students will not turn up anything.

A reporter from the Ivyville Sun has called 10 times today. Is it possible that Marvelle has told the press who the myterious escort was?

Ghostarticle Cinque

Junior, Chadsworth III & Junior, Caroline, "Interpersonal Misunderstanding and Getting to 'No:' Marvelle and Manchild and a Relationship (high volume) Exchange," 1 Ghostarticles 303 (2005) (Those present: Neighbors on each side of authors' residence) .

Meeting Dean Bumble

Dean Bumble asked to see me about the letter accusing me of improper touching. Although it is unsigned, I knew it was from Marvelle. She has joined three things together. She says I made flirtatious remarks to her at lunch, purposely brushed against her and sent her a suggestive Valentine. (I have not mentioned her Valentine to me so far.) All of this from a women who once told me she new knew I could make her even more of a woman -- or that is what I thought I heard.

Dean Bumble has more or less deputized several faculty members to send an open letter to all women students asking if any of them have been made uncomfortable by me. I strenuously objected but he said he has done it all before and it worked great. Evidently about half the faculty insisted on signing the letter. I am not sure what to make of that. I have little to fear here since I have not had any inappropriate contact with a student for at least ten years and even then it was with an older divorced student and well before Caroline entered my life.

With Dean Bumble was Alex Ester a reporter for the Ivyville Sun. Dean Bumble has made a deal with the Sun. I am to give them the exclusive story about Manchild's visit and they agree to 1) not reveal my identity and 2) report nothing disfavorable about the law school for 5 years. This deal was attractive to me because it means not printing anything about Marvelle's allegations.

I've much to think about but mainly right now I need a massage, a full body wrap and some of Manchild's single malt scotch which I noticed he had not touched. If you think about it -- really think about it. Things are looking up for me.

Too Much for Me

I am happy to report that Manchild called in Monday morning to say that he would be unable to finish his three week teaching assignment here. The Ivyville Sun article about his late night activities -- as surely you know -- has gone national, even international.

Reporters are everywhere wanting to know the details and trying to idenitfy his mysterious law professor escort. So far no one on the faculty had identified me.

I worry, though, about Marvelle and Hugo. Both know that Dean Bumble assigned me the task of hosting Senator Manchild and neither, I fear, would feel an obligation to remain silent.

In the meantime. And this is a meantime that swallows all times. Dean Bumble called me to say that he has received an anonymous letter accusing me of "improper touching." So far he has chosen to ignore it. I have not improperly touched anyone but things are "touchy" with respect to Marvelle. If I confront her the Italy summer program may go up in flames.

News Flash

Manchild left Thursday late for Binimi, too early the see the following article in today's Ivyville Sun. First you should know that that there is big photo on Manchild on the front page leaving his regular bar at 1:00 with two Jennifers, miniskirts and cowboy boots. I am in the photo just barely. The caption: Senator Gerard Faceworth parties with friends and an unidentified law professor.

The article:

"Senator Gerard Faceworth, a visiting professor at the Ivyville Law School, has been photographed with two companions leaving the Campus Buzz, a popular late night gather place for Ivyville singles. Senator Faceworth only recently challenged reporters to follow him around after rumor emerged that he is something of a "womanizer." According the regulars at the Buzz, Senator Faceworth has been in the club several nights, usually escorted by a law professor. The routine is that he arrives soon after midnight and leaves by 1:00 A.M. with one or two college aged women. The hotel management where the Senator is staying declined comment. The identity of his law professor host is currently being examined."

Right after my massage I am going to take a nap and hope I find when I wake up that I just made this all up.