Early Sabbatical

I have applied to Dean Bumble for a special circumstances sabbatical. Why? Primarily because I am who I am. I know it seems redundant since I have canceled class for the next two years due to all the stress I will be under and the possibility of getting a head cold. But, if I can get the sabbatical, I can put those cancellations off. Thus three years of no teaching.

The reasons are far greater than the fact that I am, well, special. Let's review what I has happened in the last few months.

First Senator Gerard "Manchild" Faceworth comes to town to teach for three weeks. I am his assigned host which means I actually ferry him to and from a local bar where he befriends young Jennifers and goes back to his room. We are followed by reporters who splash his photo and that of your's truly all over the world. I am referred to by some as his "pimp."

Second, my friend Hugo, Supreme President of Foreign Programs, and I design the most perfect, student friendly, summer program in Italy only to have ungrateful parents complain to the FTC that we have engaged in false advertising. Why? Because we cared enough not to require the students to actually go to Italy. Only the professors and several guest lecturing colleagues would go.

Third. A former student appeals her A in Ethics class claiming that she only deserved a B and that the A was a result our brief sexual encounter. Thankfully, the grading appeals board agrees that it was an A paper. I knew I had not given any gift grades because I know I did not grade that set of papers at all.

Fourth. Mavelle, the wife of Hugo claims I touched her when we bumped into each other on an airplane. She complains to Dean Bumble and others and three of my colleagues send letters to the students asking if I "bumped" them. Marvelle sends me a Valentine that includes an actually heart from, I think, one of her Pomeranians. (I think the one that bite me one.) Finally, we patch things up -- at least I think so.

The school year is nearly over and so far 15 of the original 30 students who signed up not to go to Italy are still going. I need the break.

Summer Teaching?

Dean Bumble just asked me the stangest thing. He asked me to teach summer school. There are two problems. The first is I never teach summer school. Do you know what kind of students go to summer school? The dregs!! No jobs. No connections. No place for someone with my credentials to be. Somehow he thinks I should teach summer school since I have had to cancel class this semester and for the next two years. I do not see the connection.

The second problem is that, as far is I know, the Summer Program in Italy still has 15 students enrolled. It was a little unnerving that Hugo Valencia, Supreme President of Foreign Programs, forgot that the main attractive of our program was that students would not be with us. Still, even with the recent cancellations and the threatening false adverstising law suit, we still have 15 and at $3,ooo each, we can cover most of the program costs -- our apartments, meals and air fares.

So what is up with this?

What does "IN" Mean

Dean Bumble called me in today and he was in his office with University Counsel. There is a threatened class action suit against the Law School concerning the Program in Italy.

I maintain that Hugo and I have been completely open about the fact that the students would not actually be required to go to Italy. What difference does it make? They do not speak Italian, eat at McDonalds, and stay drunk most of the time. They will actually learn more by staying home. But does anyone one care about how much they learn. Not at chance!!

Instead we have these picky people worried about the fact that the students will not go to Italy when that only means they would learn less.

So what if we said "IN" Italy? The teachers will be in Italy. The broadcasts will be from Italy (or at least the post cards.)

I am going to have to cancel class from 2008-2009 because the ingratitude is overwhelming. Today I will see Hugo at our tennis date. He and I need to talk. According to Ms. Picks, University counsel, she has spoken to Hugo and the claims he never heard of a program in Italy that would not involve students being in Italy.

Summer "in" Italy

University counsel telephone me today. It seems that some small minded person has complained that the "summer study in Italy" brochure is misleading. In the brochure it very clearly says in a footnote that students who are enrolled will not actually go to Italy but will be able to enjoy and the benefits of Italian travel while safe and their homes. I indicated to counsel that "Summer in Italy" is just an expression and anyone knows that a summer program that has two distinguished professors and charges only $3000 cannot possibly entertain the thought that the students will have a presence in Italy.

Remember, this was raised at the law faculty meeting and the issue was resolved. Surely a faculty of 50 could not do anything inappropriate.

The program even got provisional approval from the very tough ABA.

The good news is that the Sun has finally had enough stories about Senator Faceworth. As I said earlier, I have had to make up a few things. Last time it was that after I dropped Manchild off with his chums for a night I was sent to fetch one bottle of Wafflehouse syrup, a jar of Nutella, an seven blue candles. I just hope Faceworth never reads the Sun. The last I heard he was vacationing in Peru and unavailable.