Early Sabbatical

I have applied to Dean Bumble for a special circumstances sabbatical. Why? Primarily because I am who I am. I know it seems redundant since I have canceled class for the next two years due to all the stress I will be under and the possibility of getting a head cold. But, if I can get the sabbatical, I can put those cancellations off. Thus three years of no teaching.

The reasons are far greater than the fact that I am, well, special. Let's review what I has happened in the last few months.

First Senator Gerard "Manchild" Faceworth comes to town to teach for three weeks. I am his assigned host which means I actually ferry him to and from a local bar where he befriends young Jennifers and goes back to his room. We are followed by reporters who splash his photo and that of your's truly all over the world. I am referred to by some as his "pimp."

Second, my friend Hugo, Supreme President of Foreign Programs, and I design the most perfect, student friendly, summer program in Italy only to have ungrateful parents complain to the FTC that we have engaged in false advertising. Why? Because we cared enough not to require the students to actually go to Italy. Only the professors and several guest lecturing colleagues would go.

Third. A former student appeals her A in Ethics class claiming that she only deserved a B and that the A was a result our brief sexual encounter. Thankfully, the grading appeals board agrees that it was an A paper. I knew I had not given any gift grades because I know I did not grade that set of papers at all.

Fourth. Mavelle, the wife of Hugo claims I touched her when we bumped into each other on an airplane. She complains to Dean Bumble and others and three of my colleagues send letters to the students asking if I "bumped" them. Marvelle sends me a Valentine that includes an actually heart from, I think, one of her Pomeranians. (I think the one that bite me one.) Finally, we patch things up -- at least I think so.

The school year is nearly over and so far 15 of the original 30 students who signed up not to go to Italy are still going. I need the break.