Early Sabbatical

I have applied to Dean Bumble for a special circumstances sabbatical. Why? Primarily because I am who I am. I know it seems redundant since I have canceled class for the next two years due to all the stress I will be under and the possibility of getting a head cold. But, if I can get the sabbatical, I can put those cancellations off. Thus three years of no teaching.

The reasons are far greater than the fact that I am, well, special. Let's review what I has happened in the last few months.

First Senator Gerard "Manchild" Faceworth comes to town to teach for three weeks. I am his assigned host which means I actually ferry him to and from a local bar where he befriends young Jennifers and goes back to his room. We are followed by reporters who splash his photo and that of your's truly all over the world. I am referred to by some as his "pimp."

Second, my friend Hugo, Supreme President of Foreign Programs, and I design the most perfect, student friendly, summer program in Italy only to have ungrateful parents complain to the FTC that we have engaged in false advertising. Why? Because we cared enough not to require the students to actually go to Italy. Only the professors and several guest lecturing colleagues would go.

Third. A former student appeals her A in Ethics class claiming that she only deserved a B and that the A was a result our brief sexual encounter. Thankfully, the grading appeals board agrees that it was an A paper. I knew I had not given any gift grades because I know I did not grade that set of papers at all.

Fourth. Mavelle, the wife of Hugo claims I touched her when we bumped into each other on an airplane. She complains to Dean Bumble and others and three of my colleagues send letters to the students asking if I "bumped" them. Marvelle sends me a Valentine that includes an actually heart from, I think, one of her Pomeranians. (I think the one that bite me one.) Finally, we patch things up -- at least I think so.

The school year is nearly over and so far 15 of the original 30 students who signed up not to go to Italy are still going. I need the break.

Summer Teaching?

Dean Bumble just asked me the stangest thing. He asked me to teach summer school. There are two problems. The first is I never teach summer school. Do you know what kind of students go to summer school? The dregs!! No jobs. No connections. No place for someone with my credentials to be. Somehow he thinks I should teach summer school since I have had to cancel class this semester and for the next two years. I do not see the connection.

The second problem is that, as far is I know, the Summer Program in Italy still has 15 students enrolled. It was a little unnerving that Hugo Valencia, Supreme President of Foreign Programs, forgot that the main attractive of our program was that students would not be with us. Still, even with the recent cancellations and the threatening false adverstising law suit, we still have 15 and at $3,ooo each, we can cover most of the program costs -- our apartments, meals and air fares.

So what is up with this?

What does "IN" Mean

Dean Bumble called me in today and he was in his office with University Counsel. There is a threatened class action suit against the Law School concerning the Program in Italy.

I maintain that Hugo and I have been completely open about the fact that the students would not actually be required to go to Italy. What difference does it make? They do not speak Italian, eat at McDonalds, and stay drunk most of the time. They will actually learn more by staying home. But does anyone one care about how much they learn. Not at chance!!

Instead we have these picky people worried about the fact that the students will not go to Italy when that only means they would learn less.

So what if we said "IN" Italy? The teachers will be in Italy. The broadcasts will be from Italy (or at least the post cards.)

I am going to have to cancel class from 2008-2009 because the ingratitude is overwhelming. Today I will see Hugo at our tennis date. He and I need to talk. According to Ms. Picks, University counsel, she has spoken to Hugo and the claims he never heard of a program in Italy that would not involve students being in Italy.

Summer "in" Italy

University counsel telephone me today. It seems that some small minded person has complained that the "summer study in Italy" brochure is misleading. In the brochure it very clearly says in a footnote that students who are enrolled will not actually go to Italy but will be able to enjoy and the benefits of Italian travel while safe and their homes. I indicated to counsel that "Summer in Italy" is just an expression and anyone knows that a summer program that has two distinguished professors and charges only $3000 cannot possibly entertain the thought that the students will have a presence in Italy.

Remember, this was raised at the law faculty meeting and the issue was resolved. Surely a faculty of 50 could not do anything inappropriate.

The program even got provisional approval from the very tough ABA.

The good news is that the Sun has finally had enough stories about Senator Faceworth. As I said earlier, I have had to make up a few things. Last time it was that after I dropped Manchild off with his chums for a night I was sent to fetch one bottle of Wafflehouse syrup, a jar of Nutella, an seven blue candles. I just hope Faceworth never reads the Sun. The last I heard he was vacationing in Peru and unavailable.

Ungrateful

So far two sets of parents have contacted me. It seems to have come as a surprise to them that the Summer Program in Italy does not involve their dear children actually traveling to Italy. Hugo and I designed the whole program on the theory that he and I and our spouses would go to Italy and show the lectures and sights by video (or postcard). We would do the heavy lifting and the students would have time to study. Do they not get it?

(almost) Everything is Looking Up

Sorry, a little preoccupied but I see clear skies ahead. Luckily the faculty standards committee decided that Shannon deserved and A on her exam. So, even though I got a stern letter from Dean Bumble about relatioships with students, he decided that I had not traded sex for grades. I knew this was the case because I did not grade that set of papers at all.

The Sun says I will be relieved from further obligations after two more interviews about Senator Faceworth. I think I have two more in me but I have been forced to be very creative. Yesterday I told them that one night Manchild invited three Jennifers up to his room. He then sent me out out buy 4 cartons of whipping cream, a jar of cherries, a wisk broom and 7 rolls of Scotch tape.

I called Hugo about getting some of the details settled concerning the summer program in Rome.

One awkward thing. There is a student in my class that I ovciously cannot meet. His name is Jason and he has registered for the summer in Italy program. Today his mother called and asked about what things he should bring. I told her that the students were not actually going to Italy. She asked what the $3000 is for and I said "expenses." She seemed miffed about no students going. Isn't that just perfect!!! You try to do something for the students and you get in hot water for it.

Deep Throat and Moneylaw

The Sun is running a series of articles about Senator Faceworth's visit here and his midnight ramblings. I hate being the deep throat for their effort to sell their rag but I am in a pinch. As I mentioned, the local authorities want to interview Faceworth's host and that would be me. If I do not cooperate with the Sun they will blow the whistle on me. The problem is that I have only so much to tell. Off to the bar, back to the room and then the morning drop off. The Sun wants more and I have been making things up. I mean it's OK, right? I do not know the things I am making up did not happen.

Shannon's final exam in Professional Responsibility has been sent to a faculty review committee. They must decide if it is an A or B paper. If it is an B, they are likely to agree with her that that she did not deserve the A I gave her. This supports her claim that the A was in exchange for sexual favors. It was not. In fact, that year I did not even grade the exams. I just handed out grades randomly and, therefore, I know the A was not undeserved.

In the meantime the idiots over on Moneylaw are discussing whether what law professor write should be useful to courts. Give me a break! My parents did not spend $200,000 on my legal education so I can be an errand boy for judges. Get a life Moneylaw people!

good news/Bad News

The good: Hugo and more importantly Marvelle did show up for tennis. The were proud of their new pomeranian. Nothing was said about the apology letter. The only thing that was strange was the way they played. They lost 6-0, 6-0 in doubles but partly it was because whenever either of them got a shot at the net they seemed to aim right at my groin region. Maybe I am imagining it.

The bad. I interviewed with the Ivyville Sun as promised and I told the truth about the Jennifers and so on. Midnight rides and all that. OK but now the police are questioning the reporter about my identity. I am wanted for questioning with respect to "procuring" and possibly somekind of contributory sexual misdeed. All because of Manchild. So far the reporter is refusing to say anything.

OK, now is this wierder. I mentioned that ten years ago I had a brief affair with a student -- pre Caroline and she was my age. Now she has responded to the letter my "colleagues" circulated asking for reports on any inappropriate behavior. Well the this lady -- call her Shannon-- reported that we had had the affair. And she had petitioned to School to lower her grade from the A I gave her in Professional Responsibily to a B. She says the grade was not earned and she cannot accept it because it was payment for sexual favors. I am not making this up!!!

Rethinking Recanceling

There I go again. . . always thinking of others and doing what's best for them. Now that I have two reasons to cancel the same class my idea was just to leave things as the are and only cancel that class. Now I realize that in keeping with doing what is right for me, what I actually have done is banked some cancelations that I can use on days when I could not otherwise cancel. Thus, since I have already canceled class for the remainder of this year and next, I will begin with the fall of 2008. I only have to solve the problem of making up two years of class. I was thinking about a press conference open to all.

The Double Cancel

My school has an iron clad rule that you notify the dean's office when you miss a class and tell them when you will make it up. I follow the rule religiously when ever it is covenient. I have already canceled class for the rest this year and the next due to the obvious pressures of being Senator Faceworth's host, planning the summer program in Italy, conflict with my quiet time and anticipated head aches. Now I have had to recancel those classes because of all this trouble with Marvelle, Hugo and the reporters. I am pretty sure that double canceling means I get teaching credit for the time off, unlike the underachievers -- mainly state school people -- who only use one problem as a basis for cancellation. But this is not worst of my worries. More later but I have an appointment Dean Bumble right now.

Sensitivity Training Avoided

Caroline insisted on reading my apology letter before I sent it to Marvelle. The letter clearly passed the New York Times (never write anything down that you would not want to appear on the front page of the Times) test but Caroline's test was a bit tougher. There was a great deal of eye-rolling and sighing but ultimately she let it go out and I narrowly missed sensitivity training. Which, by the way, I greatly support for others so they may understand how the privileged are likely to percieved their thoughtless statements about rich people, spoiled people, elitists and so on. My feelings are amost hurt. Sometimes I feel like the caveman guy on TV.

I think the Marvelle issue has been put to rest. I will know when we are supposed to meet Marvelle and Hugo for tennis Saturday. I think, at the very least, I have saved the summer in Italy program which the faculty approved when I pulled out my trump cards -- the need for many guest lectures and the complete absence of students.

Tomorrow I meet with the Ivyville Sun reporter about Senator Gerard "Manchild" Faceworth's ill-fated visit.

The Art of the Apology

People like us -- special and devoted to the New York Times rule -- must be cautious with apologies. Since I have told Caroline I will apologise to Marvelle, I thought I would take this opportunity to demonstrate the proper apology. The explanations are in italics.

Dearest Marvelle:

Your misunderstanding of some of the communications that passed between us has led to an unfortunate situation. (Remember, usually the person you are apologizing to should be apologizing to you.)

I have the misfortune of being attractive to women. I do not enjoy it and have done my best to discourage these women in the kindest possible way. It is something so many of us with special qualifications must bear. Thus when we had lunch a few weeks ago, I now understand that you misunderstood my kindness for something different. (Let's keep in mind who started this.)

Given your misunderstanding in that instance, I now understand why, when you brushed against me over the Atlantic, you reacted the way you did. (Reader, by now you are getting the drift.)

Now I understand that you somehow interpreted my Valentine as something untoward.

(This is critical, pay attention.) With all possible sincerity, IF I have offended you, I am sorry. (Ok, note that the apology is not for the actual action. Thus, you take no responsibility and are in good form as far as the New York Times. In effect, it is an apology only because she acted like a bit of a nut. Isn't it great -- the conditional apology. Dean Bumble could not do better.)

Your devoted friend,

Chadsworth.

Air

As you can see from my lastest publication (see below), Caroline and I spent time this weekend "discussing" Marvelle. Marvelle had given a copy of the Valentine to Caroline, Hugo, the Law faculty and the entire student body. You know the one -- it has a really long-barrelled gun on the front and inside it says," You better think twice about being my Valentine." Caroline, Dean Bumble, Mavelle and the faculty who wrote to the students asking about my prior history of inappropriate behavior seem to agree that it is suggestive. I don't get it. Caroline says I need to write a letter of apology to Marvelle. I think it is a crazy violation of the New York Times rule. But, if I do not, she says I must get sensitivity training.

I think I am OK with Caroline and I will attempt the letter to Marvelle.

Hopefully the faculty call to students will not turn up anything.

A reporter from the Ivyville Sun has called 10 times today. Is it possible that Marvelle has told the press who the myterious escort was?

Ghostarticle Cinque

Junior, Chadsworth III & Junior, Caroline, "Interpersonal Misunderstanding and Getting to 'No:' Marvelle and Manchild and a Relationship (high volume) Exchange," 1 Ghostarticles 303 (2005) (Those present: Neighbors on each side of authors' residence) .

Meeting Dean Bumble

Dean Bumble asked to see me about the letter accusing me of improper touching. Although it is unsigned, I knew it was from Marvelle. She has joined three things together. She says I made flirtatious remarks to her at lunch, purposely brushed against her and sent her a suggestive Valentine. (I have not mentioned her Valentine to me so far.) All of this from a women who once told me she new knew I could make her even more of a woman -- or that is what I thought I heard.

Dean Bumble has more or less deputized several faculty members to send an open letter to all women students asking if any of them have been made uncomfortable by me. I strenuously objected but he said he has done it all before and it worked great. Evidently about half the faculty insisted on signing the letter. I am not sure what to make of that. I have little to fear here since I have not had any inappropriate contact with a student for at least ten years and even then it was with an older divorced student and well before Caroline entered my life.

With Dean Bumble was Alex Ester a reporter for the Ivyville Sun. Dean Bumble has made a deal with the Sun. I am to give them the exclusive story about Manchild's visit and they agree to 1) not reveal my identity and 2) report nothing disfavorable about the law school for 5 years. This deal was attractive to me because it means not printing anything about Marvelle's allegations.

I've much to think about but mainly right now I need a massage, a full body wrap and some of Manchild's single malt scotch which I noticed he had not touched. If you think about it -- really think about it. Things are looking up for me.