Lucky Jim

I have just read the most disgusting little book: Lucky Jim by Kingley Amis. It's supposed to be the view of a non elite of the rest of us. As you would expect, the little twerp fails in the end. Where to these authors like David Lodge and Kingsley Amis get off making fun of those of us who put the "education" into higher education.

At least I have the satistaction faction of living the life that others can only hope for. It's off to Italy this summer. So far 12 students have signed up for our virtual law school in Italy summer program. I am not actually teaching this semester to next because of last year when I was sick but did not take time off.

In the meantime, there is floating around some internet garbage suggesting that faculty from elite schools are no more productive that those from non elite schools. Do yourself a favor and ignore it.

And finally, there is the story that some of my most esteemed elite colleagues are crooked because they will say anything to make money as consultants or expert witnesses. Again, ignore it.

Reason for Hope

What good news! My law school hiring committee has finally seen the light and the first candidate invited to campus is one of the finest possible -- a Princeton/Harvard grad. Someone for me to talk to. Someone who will understand what it like to be deserving and not having it recognized.

I see that Harrison over at Classbias has starting his usual rant. He is offended that people list "to be written" items as "major publications." He does not understand that even things yet to be written; indeed, yet to even be thought of are major publications when the product of an elite mind and education.

Summer Study in Italy

Yes it is back. Six weeks of law study in Italy. Three in Roma and three in Florence. Please register early. Principal lecturers will be Chadsworth Osborne and Hugo Valencia. Your professors will be on site for 6 weeks delivering lectures for you. Tours to the cultural sites in Italy are including. One night at the opera as well.

Due to some misunderstandings from last year's program, we are required by the University and the FTC to tell you that, as a student, you will not actually go to Rome. Instead, there will be videos available to you and, should there be technical problems, the professor will send an occasional postcard.

This summer program is designed to keep costs low and to inconvenience the students as little as possible. Thus, while Professors Osborne and Valencia will be on site working hard to create an interesting, rigorous and rewarding educational experience, you never have to leave the comfort of you sofa. Cost is $3000 per student, all inclusive except for meals and airfare.

Can I Work Under These Conditions?

I have had to double cancel class. Once when I was assigned extra duties by Dean Bumble. The other time when I could not have taught those classes anyway because I was not feeling well. So I carried over the second cancel to this semester. I feel fine now but having been entitled to two missed classes I am giving myself what I deserve and not teaching this semester either.

Still, I do use my office for research on possible locations for summer teaching programs -- last year was Italy and I'd like to do Italy for six weeks and them maybe Norway for 6 week. Norwegian law is something are students really need to know more about.

Here is my complaint. The carpet in my office is showing some signs of wear. The paint is not quite conducive to the high powered research people like me do. The chairs, the desk, bookcases, drapes -- well, they all need to be changed. In fact, I would prefer wood floors.

I put in a request to Dean Bumble and got back a terse little note saying that funds were not available. Yet, and get this!!! I understand the secretarial staff got 2% pay increases this year and now I am told I cannot remodel my office. Talk about mixed up priorities.

Really Pissed

Yes, Now I am really pissed. I returned to school this year from my hard work teaching in Italy and what do I hear -- budget squeeze. Now it is true that I actually to not have class this semester. I had to cancel this semester to make up for when I could have canceled last semester because of what might have been a migrane -- or at least the beginning of one. I was unable to cancel then because I was already not teaching due to the stress of planning the Summer In Italy Program.

And now no breakfast in the faculty lounge, no retreat to St. Barts, no new laptop this year. Really, there must be some kind of OSHA claim I can make. This has got to be worse that a whiff or two of cotton dust.

Return From Roma

If you have kept up you know the hard work I had to endure to make the summer study in Rome a success. It was all worthwhile. Our five students were able to enjoy their "stay" in Rome albeit by teleconference and postcard. They learned a great deal about life in Rome and Florence and earned 9 credit hours toward their law degrees. Hugo, Marvelle, Caroline and I put our difference behind us and are now back in the USA.

Dean Bumble and the three professors who canvassed the students in order to find out if I had been involved in any inappropriate conduct with students have asked to mediate our disagreement. That will take place next month.

The only sour note came when I needed someone of my lighter weight suits and shoes for wear in Florence. I had my secretary send the items overnight and for some reason Dean Bumble felt this was an inappropriate school expenditure. Can you imagine?? What could be more important than being properly attired when teaching in a foreign country?

Evidently, my law school in experiencing a budget crunch. Luckily, nothing I do is anything thing but essential to the law school so I expect no problems.

Buon Giorgo

It has been a hectic month and there is much to report. First, I have been forced to file a legal action against Dean Bumble and the professors who authored the survey of students inquiring about any inappropriate actions by me. What an insult. If anything, people with my breeding know how to be discrete. Plus, frankly, except for that misguided episode with Shannon, I have been true to Caroline. I mean my efforts to discourage Marvel speak for themselves.

Here is the great news. I am writing from Rome. Yes, the summer program is in tact and Hugo, Marvel, Caroline and I are here working hard for the students. It is true we are down to 5 students and it is true that those five did not actually make the trip to Italy but we are working hard.

As you know, some of the students were upset that the Summer in Italy program did not actually mean they were going to Italy -- only the professors. Some parents were quite rude and the intial enrollment dwindled to 5. Good riddance I say. Those students obviously were not cut out for foreign travel. The Law School decided we had to operate the program anyway because the American Association of Law Schools had already purchased 30 tickets for a team to come and inspect the program.

We are doing our best for the five students. Each week we send a postcard with some interesting fact about Italian law. In the interest of giving the students what they want, we have decided not to administer a final exam.

As for me, being a dedicated teacher of young people is its own reward.

Early Sabbatical

I have applied to Dean Bumble for a special circumstances sabbatical. Why? Primarily because I am who I am. I know it seems redundant since I have canceled class for the next two years due to all the stress I will be under and the possibility of getting a head cold. But, if I can get the sabbatical, I can put those cancellations off. Thus three years of no teaching.

The reasons are far greater than the fact that I am, well, special. Let's review what I has happened in the last few months.

First Senator Gerard "Manchild" Faceworth comes to town to teach for three weeks. I am his assigned host which means I actually ferry him to and from a local bar where he befriends young Jennifers and goes back to his room. We are followed by reporters who splash his photo and that of your's truly all over the world. I am referred to by some as his "pimp."

Second, my friend Hugo, Supreme President of Foreign Programs, and I design the most perfect, student friendly, summer program in Italy only to have ungrateful parents complain to the FTC that we have engaged in false advertising. Why? Because we cared enough not to require the students to actually go to Italy. Only the professors and several guest lecturing colleagues would go.

Third. A former student appeals her A in Ethics class claiming that she only deserved a B and that the A was a result our brief sexual encounter. Thankfully, the grading appeals board agrees that it was an A paper. I knew I had not given any gift grades because I know I did not grade that set of papers at all.

Fourth. Mavelle, the wife of Hugo claims I touched her when we bumped into each other on an airplane. She complains to Dean Bumble and others and three of my colleagues send letters to the students asking if I "bumped" them. Marvelle sends me a Valentine that includes an actually heart from, I think, one of her Pomeranians. (I think the one that bite me one.) Finally, we patch things up -- at least I think so.

The school year is nearly over and so far 15 of the original 30 students who signed up not to go to Italy are still going. I need the break.

Summer Teaching?

Dean Bumble just asked me the stangest thing. He asked me to teach summer school. There are two problems. The first is I never teach summer school. Do you know what kind of students go to summer school? The dregs!! No jobs. No connections. No place for someone with my credentials to be. Somehow he thinks I should teach summer school since I have had to cancel class this semester and for the next two years. I do not see the connection.

The second problem is that, as far is I know, the Summer Program in Italy still has 15 students enrolled. It was a little unnerving that Hugo Valencia, Supreme President of Foreign Programs, forgot that the main attractive of our program was that students would not be with us. Still, even with the recent cancellations and the threatening false adverstising law suit, we still have 15 and at $3,ooo each, we can cover most of the program costs -- our apartments, meals and air fares.

So what is up with this?

What does "IN" Mean

Dean Bumble called me in today and he was in his office with University Counsel. There is a threatened class action suit against the Law School concerning the Program in Italy.

I maintain that Hugo and I have been completely open about the fact that the students would not actually be required to go to Italy. What difference does it make? They do not speak Italian, eat at McDonalds, and stay drunk most of the time. They will actually learn more by staying home. But does anyone one care about how much they learn. Not at chance!!

Instead we have these picky people worried about the fact that the students will not go to Italy when that only means they would learn less.

So what if we said "IN" Italy? The teachers will be in Italy. The broadcasts will be from Italy (or at least the post cards.)

I am going to have to cancel class from 2008-2009 because the ingratitude is overwhelming. Today I will see Hugo at our tennis date. He and I need to talk. According to Ms. Picks, University counsel, she has spoken to Hugo and the claims he never heard of a program in Italy that would not involve students being in Italy.

Summer "in" Italy

University counsel telephone me today. It seems that some small minded person has complained that the "summer study in Italy" brochure is misleading. In the brochure it very clearly says in a footnote that students who are enrolled will not actually go to Italy but will be able to enjoy and the benefits of Italian travel while safe and their homes. I indicated to counsel that "Summer in Italy" is just an expression and anyone knows that a summer program that has two distinguished professors and charges only $3000 cannot possibly entertain the thought that the students will have a presence in Italy.

Remember, this was raised at the law faculty meeting and the issue was resolved. Surely a faculty of 50 could not do anything inappropriate.

The program even got provisional approval from the very tough ABA.

The good news is that the Sun has finally had enough stories about Senator Faceworth. As I said earlier, I have had to make up a few things. Last time it was that after I dropped Manchild off with his chums for a night I was sent to fetch one bottle of Wafflehouse syrup, a jar of Nutella, an seven blue candles. I just hope Faceworth never reads the Sun. The last I heard he was vacationing in Peru and unavailable.

Ungrateful

So far two sets of parents have contacted me. It seems to have come as a surprise to them that the Summer Program in Italy does not involve their dear children actually traveling to Italy. Hugo and I designed the whole program on the theory that he and I and our spouses would go to Italy and show the lectures and sights by video (or postcard). We would do the heavy lifting and the students would have time to study. Do they not get it?

(almost) Everything is Looking Up

Sorry, a little preoccupied but I see clear skies ahead. Luckily the faculty standards committee decided that Shannon deserved and A on her exam. So, even though I got a stern letter from Dean Bumble about relatioships with students, he decided that I had not traded sex for grades. I knew this was the case because I did not grade that set of papers at all.

The Sun says I will be relieved from further obligations after two more interviews about Senator Faceworth. I think I have two more in me but I have been forced to be very creative. Yesterday I told them that one night Manchild invited three Jennifers up to his room. He then sent me out out buy 4 cartons of whipping cream, a jar of cherries, a wisk broom and 7 rolls of Scotch tape.

I called Hugo about getting some of the details settled concerning the summer program in Rome.

One awkward thing. There is a student in my class that I ovciously cannot meet. His name is Jason and he has registered for the summer in Italy program. Today his mother called and asked about what things he should bring. I told her that the students were not actually going to Italy. She asked what the $3000 is for and I said "expenses." She seemed miffed about no students going. Isn't that just perfect!!! You try to do something for the students and you get in hot water for it.

Deep Throat and Moneylaw

The Sun is running a series of articles about Senator Faceworth's visit here and his midnight ramblings. I hate being the deep throat for their effort to sell their rag but I am in a pinch. As I mentioned, the local authorities want to interview Faceworth's host and that would be me. If I do not cooperate with the Sun they will blow the whistle on me. The problem is that I have only so much to tell. Off to the bar, back to the room and then the morning drop off. The Sun wants more and I have been making things up. I mean it's OK, right? I do not know the things I am making up did not happen.

Shannon's final exam in Professional Responsibility has been sent to a faculty review committee. They must decide if it is an A or B paper. If it is an B, they are likely to agree with her that that she did not deserve the A I gave her. This supports her claim that the A was in exchange for sexual favors. It was not. In fact, that year I did not even grade the exams. I just handed out grades randomly and, therefore, I know the A was not undeserved.

In the meantime the idiots over on Moneylaw are discussing whether what law professor write should be useful to courts. Give me a break! My parents did not spend $200,000 on my legal education so I can be an errand boy for judges. Get a life Moneylaw people!

good news/Bad News

The good: Hugo and more importantly Marvelle did show up for tennis. The were proud of their new pomeranian. Nothing was said about the apology letter. The only thing that was strange was the way they played. They lost 6-0, 6-0 in doubles but partly it was because whenever either of them got a shot at the net they seemed to aim right at my groin region. Maybe I am imagining it.

The bad. I interviewed with the Ivyville Sun as promised and I told the truth about the Jennifers and so on. Midnight rides and all that. OK but now the police are questioning the reporter about my identity. I am wanted for questioning with respect to "procuring" and possibly somekind of contributory sexual misdeed. All because of Manchild. So far the reporter is refusing to say anything.

OK, now is this wierder. I mentioned that ten years ago I had a brief affair with a student -- pre Caroline and she was my age. Now she has responded to the letter my "colleagues" circulated asking for reports on any inappropriate behavior. Well the this lady -- call her Shannon-- reported that we had had the affair. And she had petitioned to School to lower her grade from the A I gave her in Professional Responsibily to a B. She says the grade was not earned and she cannot accept it because it was payment for sexual favors. I am not making this up!!!